Had I Said the Words
by Misha
Summary: Years later, Josh reflects on words never said.


Had I Said the Words   
By Misha 

Disclaimer: These characters are the property of NBC, Aaron Sorkin, or whoever. ÊI'm not writing this for profit in any way, shape, or form, but because I have a lot of spare time on my hands. 

Author's Notes- Okay, this is really angsty. It's set several years in the future post-administration and focuses on Josh. I love Josh and Donna, and would prefer to see them end up together, but I guess I can't help but wonder what would happen if I didn't. So this is another angsty piece where they don't get together. Sorry. This is mainly J/D, but there is some Donna/Cliff and Josh/Amy thrown in as well. That's all, enjoy! 

Spoilers- Season Three. 

Rating- PG   


* * *

I did love you. And not in the just friends way. 

No, I loved you in the heart-stopping, take my breath away kind of way. I loved you in the way a man loves a woman. 

Did you know that? Would it have mattered to you if you did? Does it matter now? 

I don't know. 

I just can't help but think about it. That you captured my heart for a little while. A piece of it will always belong to you. 

I hope you know that, even though I never told you. 

I hope you understand how important to me you really were. I think we both know that there was more to us than what was on the surface. That if things had been different, something might have happened there. 

But in the end, nothing did. 

Looking back, I think the moment came and passed us by. And life caught us up on a whirlwind that guaranteed another moment would never happen. 

I know it's wrong, but deep down, I think I blame Calley for the change of course. You met him and then things were never the same. 

Our relationship never really recovered from that moment, from you sleeping with him. We moved on, yes, but it changed us. 

We couldn't go back. Even if we had wanted to. 

By the time I was able to let go of my anger, Amy had entered my life and that was that. There was no looking back. 

Our moment was lost forever.Whatever it was between us was gone without ever really being there in the first place. 

Still, I think I would have denied that fact for as long as possible. I think I would have kept on pretending that our relationship was still the same as always, when we both knew differently. 

But you didn't let me. 

I still remember the day, you walked into my office and told me that you were leaving. That you were handing in your resignation and that you were marrying Calley. 

I hadn't even realized that you were still seeing him. 

I couldn't believe it as I heard those words, as I saw the way your face lit up when you told me. 

You were happy. You were in love. And you were leaving D.C. 

Calley had decided to go practice law in his home town for a few years, before deciding to run for mayor or some other political office. You told me that you had both talked about it and decided that neither one of yous wanted to start your married life in the fish bowl known as D.C. 

You were completely calm as you told me this. You had made your decision and that was that. You were moving on with your life. 

And leaving mine. 

I let you go without a fuss. What else could I do? 

I said the right things. Told you that I would miss you, made some crack about finally not having to get my own coffee, and I wished you well. 

I said what I was supposed to. Mainly because I knew that you wouldn't want to hear anything else. That there was nothing else **to** say. 

So you left soon after your wedding day. 

You were a beautiful bride. So beautiful. So happy. 

It hurt to realize that it was all for someone else. That this beginning was actually, in fact, an ending. 

That was the day you walked out of my life. 

Oh, on the surface, you still had a place in it. For the first couple years we kept in touch, visited once in a while. 

I was there for the christening of your first child. You were at my wedding. 

But things had changed. And we both knew it. 

The past was gone. Whatever it was that we had shared had been left behind forever. The special connection we had shared, had withered away. 

So, it was natural that you soon faded out of my life. That we lost touch. Drifted away from one another. 

Oh, we saw each other from time to time, it was inevitable when you and Calley returned to Washington. 

But it was different. We weren't a part of each other's lives. 

We saw each other at social gatherings, but it was like we were strangers. You were no longer the Donnatella that I had known and adored. 

You were someone else. You were the wife of a prominent Republican senator. A far cry from the woman that I remembered. 

By then I was a senator, happy with my life, with my beautiful, well-educated political wife by my side. 

Amy and I were happy. I loved her. She was the type of wife I had always planned on having, but every once in a while, I'd think about the fact that she wasn't you. 

Still, I never let myself dwell on those thoughts. Because they were pointless. 

I rarely even let myself think about you. 

Even when I did, it was always about the you that used to be. 

About the beautiful, golden haired woman-child, who walked into my office and changed my life. And who left it as another man's beautiful bride. 

About the years in between. Those are the years I like to remember. 

The years when you were mine. Or when you could have been. If only I had said something. 

I never knew how. I didn't want to ruin what we shared. 

Too bad I didn't know that by not saying anything, I was ruining it just the same. That I was letting you slip away from me. And that in the end, I would lose you. 

That you would leave my life never being more than my assistant and my friend, when in reality you had always been more. 

I sometimes wondered that if only I had said the words, then maybe it would have been me who married you. Who got to go through the years with you by my side. 

For years, I pushed those thoughts away. But now, I can't help, but think them. 

My life is nearing the end. I'm going to die soon and I can't help but think what might have been. 

I know, it's pointless now. But I can't help it. 

More than that, I need you to know. That's why I'm writing you this. 

Not as the old man I am today, but as the man whose life you left thirty something years ago. The man who really did love you. Who a little piece of always kept loving you. 

I needed you to know that. That you captured my heart, even though I never dared say it. 

There, that's it. I've got every thing off my chest. 

I've told you the thoughts that have haunted me for years. But never more than now. 

Still, it's over and now that I've told you, I can let go. I can stop wondering what would have happened had I said the words all those years ago. 

Always,   
Joshua 


End file.
